Thoughts

Technology is a double-edged sword. It has the potential to dramatically increase or decrease our quality of life. The iPod is a good example. People love their iPods. I love my iPod. But how would the world be if everyone walks around wearing white headphones, unwilling to make eye contact with any other human being? People want privacy, but instead they have gained nothing but narcissisum. That image of everyone walking around with headphones is getting to be true, and it is scary. I have used my iPod in this way, but I don't anymore. I feel that it isolates me from others, and it does. I like my iPod, but I don't think its a good thing to use in all situations. I use it a lot in the car, and when I'm studying. That's it. Technology is supposed to improve the world, bring people together, enhance. The telephone did this, the radio did this, the television did this (to a degree), and the Internet did this. The iPod does the opposite. The walkman did the opposite. These technologies tear people apart. One of the groups in my Human Computer Interaction class presented a technology that would work very similarly to many of these online social networking sites, except in real life, using mobile devices. What an idea. Technology bringing people together, making the world a smaller place. That's what I'm interested in. I mean, computers and technology have always interested me, and operating systems, of all things, was my favorite class that I have ever taken. So interesting. But that's just knowledge--I'll probably never actually use it, and I don't care, because I would take a million classes like this. Learning for the sake of learning is of the greatest of things, I think. For years people have known that I would go on to do computer science, and casually informed me that I would make so much money. I knew this, and this excited me, that the field that I was already interested in could also be worth money! But you know, I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm in college to learn. That's it. Yes, I'll need that scrap of paper at the end, but if I all I wanted was a scrap of paper, I could probably buy one online. No, I'm in school to learn about what interests me. That's why I took philosophy, art history. Its why I'm taking music theory. I've thought about taking an english class, but I find it easier and more convenient to just read at my own pace for my own pleasure. It is possible that I will still go into software, work for or start a company that produces software that positively affects the world. But I'm not sure anymore. I'm considering other things. The other day I went to talk to Mr. Dill, my old high school computer science teacher and he said that when I got out of school, he'd probably be about ready to retire and he'd highly recommend me to replace him. The funny thing is that I've thought about doing this anyway. I love my job at freedom center. I get to spend every day positively affecting kids' lives. I taught a 6 year old girl how to roller skate. I taught a 12 year old kid BASIC programming, and he loved it. That means something. I think I really might want to do this. The money is bad, but so what? I'm not going to spend my whole life chasing after money, and I think I and everyone else would probably be a lot happier if we can take whatever we've got and be happy with it. Unfortunately, I, and most people, find this very difficult. But here's what I'm thinking: I could get a job at Osbourn, or maybe even Metz or Baldwin, and teach computers. I love computers and I love interacting with children. Seems perfect right? All of these schools are essentially inside old town. I could live in old town, and walk to work, to church, to the grocery store. That would be amazing. I would have like no gas bill, and from all the walking could stay in shape too. This isn't just a pipe dream either--I think this is possible. I really might do this. I'd still have a car. I could still drive. And if I got a job downtown somewhere, I could take VRE in, also within walking distance. The one thing that I will not do is something that I do not enjoy or feel is meaningful. I refuse to spend my life chasing a dollar just because. Its not worth it. Anyway, I'm going to chincoteague tomorrow. That'll be great. Hopefully we won't get stuck in traffic, but I'm sure we will. It will be nice once we're there, the weather forecast looks good. And then I come home, and I'll get to work a few days more at freedom center doing kid care. Thats working out pretty well. They're very small children. Its really difficult for me actually because I love working with say, 6-8 year olds, but children are more like 3-6, and its sooo different. But it goes by pretty quick, and its really pretty refreshing to see these kids' outlook--they're just so excited about everything, about life. I mean, they're children. Of course they are, but its so refreshing. What a shame we can't all stay that happy and innocent forever. I was listening to a religious speaker once, and he compared grace, which to Catholics is the term for being in harmony and unity with God, to being like a child--perfectly innocent. It seemed strange at the time, but its really kind of an interesting idea, because people often think of Catholicism as this rigorous, strict, cruel religion filled with propaganda and ceremony and cult-like behavior, but at the root of all this is something so simple--attaining what we once had, but lost to the world. I see grace as being somewhat comparable to the Zen "nirvana" or enlightenment. To attain and ultimately maintain grace is something that everyone, everyone, everyone stumbles on, and most never quite get, but to do it is like, amazing. The greatest feeling ever. I think some people think that an orgasm is the greatest feeling ever. I suppose without any kind of spiritual structure in one's life, and with a view of sex as nothing more than a physical act, this is partially true, but not entirely. Even these people believe in love, and I find it difficult to believe that these people would not think an orgasm is not enhanced by love. Seems like common sense to me. Intimacy between human beings is one of the most sought after and most poorly misunderstood of all things, I think. The best relationships are not the physical ones, not the ones that are based on sex, or worse still, on emotionless sex. The best relationships are the ones where you can be truly intimate with a person without taking off a single article of clothing, that you can caress each others' soul. That is real intimacy. Sex elevates this, but even this without sex is still miles above that tragedy that is sex without love. Intimacy between human beings, is a strange thing, I think. Its like it takes place on a higher plane of existence. It doesn't exist the same way that normal things exist, or even normal emotions. Its higher than that. It is higher than physical appearances, lust, or sexual appetite. It is love for the person him/herself. I won't type it all up here, but there is a Zen story that is recounted in the Salinger story "Raise High the Roofbeams, Carpenters" in the very beginning of the story. As this goes, a man whose profession is to find very high quality horses is very old, and his friend sends someone else in his stead to do his work. This other person is chosen by the old man. When the chosen man finds a horse, he sends back a physical description of it, that it is golden brown (I think, doesn't much matter). When the horse arrives it is black, and the man alerts the old horsemaster that the man he has chosen cannot even tell one horse's appearance from another! He responds that this man must be ten times what he is, because he no longer sees the physical animal, he sees the spirit and the poetry that flows through the animal, its being. It is an interesting story. So many of us are unable to look past appearances, are unable to totally shed superficiality and look within. Its human nature, probably. But enlightenment is to go above human nature. It is not interfering with nature, it is rising above it. Anyway, I'm tired, and I think I'll go read my book and go to bed. G'nite.