Wow, I suck

I haven't updated in forever. Since last semester even. Its lonely here. Nothing seems to mean as much being away from Beth. For the first month that I was here, I never had to go even two weeks without seeing her. This time I have to wait three. And I didn't see it coming either. When I got back to school, I thought to myself that it feels like I just out of winter break. But now its clearing up--its really just like school. I get tired out at the end of the fall semester, ready for the break, and when the break is over, I think that I'm ready for another semesterrr, but I'm still a little bit tired. So then it takes about a month and a half to wish for that winter break to return, and just at that point, spring break will be here. I need a week home with Bethany. I know that my weekends with her have been long, but its almost like that has made it harder. I miss her, and the time distance thing is killing me, and my motivation. But it will be ok. There are phones. Her voice makes my day. It really does. She makes my day more often than she knows. And soon I'll be home again, and then soon after that for the summer. I just can't wait. I mean, the classes that I'm taking are interesting, but I still wish I could just absorb the information through osmosis or something, get it over with so I can get on with things. Its not that I'm in a hurry to get out of here--I just can't wait to be home with her, for good. Before I got here last august, it seemed like the summer wouldn't end. Time seemed to slow down with her. It still does, I think. But then there was a sense of permenency that hasnt' existed since. I want that back. And even though the fact that moments with her are so few and far between that they are held so precious, ever more precious seems what comes after school. I love her, and I want more than anything for her to be happy. I hope this post made her smile, at least a little bit.

Its almost here

The break is almost here. The semester has flown by. I love her more than ever. I'm so stressed out about finals. My God. This is the second time I've gone through multivar and I need to pass. And the math department's common time finals scare the hell out of me. I think math 1206 and math 1214 were collectively the worst testing experiences of my entire life. Those tests weren't just difficult, they were near impossible. Even professors agree. But I still have to pass. And I will, because that is what I do. I have never known myself to back down from a challenge, but then again, I have also never known a class that has beaten me down like this one has. Just when things seem easy, they aren't. Oh well. In a week it will be over. And then I will be home with Beth. And nothing can top that. There is a gnawing absence in my life right now. I know that I'm supposed to see her smiling every day, but I haven't been able to for so long. Thanksgiving break was great, but it was only a week. Thank God winter break is a whole month.

I've never valued or cherished anything or anyone as much as I do Bethany. I've never felt so much pressure and cared so much about making someone happy. I have worked over the most minute details of her christmas present to ensure that they are perfect, and even still, though I'm confident that she'll like it, I hope its good enough. But I know that christmas will be great. Because I'll be home with her. And to me, that's the best gift of all.

just 15 days

until I'm home thank GOD. What a great week it was though. What a great month awaits me after finals. I miss her so much. I thought it would be easier saying goodbye after a week, but it wasn't. In the end, it was harder, and I'm still feeling it, just as much as ever. I don't have the journal anymore, so I can't write in it, I have to write here instead. But its not the same, because only one other pair of eyes can read the other. Granted, I doubt anyone besides Beth reads this anymore anyway. Just 15 days. I love you.

I wish I could come up with clever headlines

I love her. I miss her more than I have ever missed anyone, and it hurts more everyday. Every semester I have spent here, I have gotten burned out at the end of the semester and been ready to go home. But this semester is different. I'm not fed up with classes or homework. I'm tired of not being able to see her every day. Thank God for Christmas break. Oh its going to be great. We're going to see each other on sunday, and then I'll go home for over a week next friday (thursday?) and then finals and then home for a month. And oh what a month it will be. No classes. Possible employment. But the ability to see Beth every day. There is no greater Christmas present. Just the fact that I get to see that smile every day when I'm home is enough to make it amazing. She's amazing, whether she believes it or not. No matter how many fights we have, in the end they're all stupid and pointless and wrong, and they don't change a thing. I don't think anything can. Because I love her. And thats stronger than any argument.

We are such dorks

We talk to each other on the phone while IMing each other. Or in this case, posting to our blogs. We are such dorks. I guess that fits though. I really don't think it could happen any other way. Even in those moments of silence on the phone when we're both typing, to each other, or not, its ok because its the next best thing to sitting next to her. Almost like I can feel her heartbeat. And its always been like that. Its never really been awkward on the phone, because we've always talked on the phone, and its amazing. I can't imagine not talking to her before bed now. It just wouldn't work. It never has. Even those nights when she goes to bed a few hours before I do, its always harder to get to sleep. Hopefully someday that won't be a problem :)

And to think, I only wrote 20 pages

Minus the prufrock thing, I guess. But I really do need some kind of outlet without that notebook. Its not that I dont' talk to her enough, its just that sometimes I can't talk to her. Like late at night when she's asleep, like now. That's why I have this. And no, I haven't written anything not about her since I met her. But then again, what else do I have to say? Before it was a lot of drivel. Now at least this serves a purpose. It lets me get that stuff out when I don't have the notebook or a way to call.

I love her. Everything about her. Everything that she thinks is a flaw or a defect I think is amazing. She's the last piece of my puzzle, the only one that fits. And sometimes, when I look at her and I have this revelation again like I'm having it for the first time, its strange, but right, and natural, and perfect. I can't imagine another person in this world being more perfect. I've never wanted to be so close to someone before, to tell everything, give away everything, and do it happily and not be sad for the loss, because it isn't a loss. Its a tremendous gain. I have nothing to lose because I want to give it all away, completely. I don't feel shy or embarrassed. And I know that when I do it, it won't create problems, or anything. But at the same time, I know that it doesn't matter. Yes, I want to know things and yes, so does she, but in the end, I love her for exactly who she is and I don't want her to change a thing. So, I just keep looking forward to the next smile.

I'm really bored and I should be doing this project, but I guess I feel like taking a minute to catch my breath. Apparently by just getting the test cases that Edwards put in the project spec, I can get a 30/50, and I'm almost there. And that 50 only accounts for half the project, with the other half being human graded, documentation stuff that I can easily make look much better later.

This is horrible. Its like 3:40 and I'm alone at night, and I miss her so much. It hurts. It really does. I've never missed anyone like this. I just wish that 81 wasn't so long, that Blacksburg and Nokesville weren't that far apart. At least we have cell phones. If not for them, I don't know what we'd do. The only thing that gets me through all this is knowing that I'm going to see her soon, Friday, in fact. Oh I can't wait. I know its only been two weeks since I saw her, but it feels so long. I don't like going this long without seeing her, and I don't want to again. All my life I think, some part of me has known that she must be out there somewhere, and now that I've found her, I can't get enough of her. And I know that maybe she doesn't believe me when I tell her that she's beautiful, but in truth, I never knew such beauty until I met her. And I don't mean just physically, I mean she's a beautiful person, and I respect, admire, and love her. She makes life make sense to me, and now that I know her, I'm just so afraid of losing her. I look at other girls now, and none of them hold a candle to her. If I ever lost her, life would just taste so bland, and I don't think any of the colors would ever be bright again. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'd do anything for her. Just a few more days...

I guess I'll get back to my project...